Conversations

I have been thinking about conversations and communication a lot in the past week.  What got me started down this path? A couple of things.

First,  I was in my local food co-op last week, and overheard a mother talking to her 13 or 14 year old son.  They were discussing tattoos, and the mother said that essentially it was a moot point, as her son would NEVER be getting a tattoo.  He teased her about it a little bit, saying, “What if I want you to come live with me and buy you a big fancy house?  Does that mean you wouldn’t come live with me?”  She said, that’s right—she would not live with him if got a tattoo—furthermore, if he ever wanted to come home to HER house, he wouldn’t get a tattoo either.  Hmmm.....

The second thing that got me going was that my riding instructor, Kate, had come home from a great week-long clinic, full of ideas and new ways of looking at the horse-rider partnership.  I worked on two of the horses at her farm right after they had had lessons, which is when I typically work on them.  I have NEVER seen them more relaxed and content.  Not physically or mentally really tired, just very peaceful and almost buzzing with happiness.  And I had a lesson with Kate right after this, and my own horse,Simon, was the most relaxed I have ever known him to be in a lesson.  

The really interesting part about that for me is that the changes that Kate made weren’t huge, by any means. In fact, I’m not even sure that I could clearly define for you what those changes were, but the word soft keeps coming to mind. I know that we spend a fair amount of time in my lesson working on getting me to ask ONCE, clearly, and get the result I had asked for, not nag, nag , nag with my hands and legs and whip, which is my tendency.  But we’ve worked on that before, without the same overwhelming relaxation on Simon’s part—not to be confused with laziness.  

So the conclusion I come to about both these interactions—the mother and teenage boy, and the horses and riders in lessons with Kate, is that it is all about the ASKING.  My thought after hearing the mom and son was, “Oh boy.  I’d love to check in with both of you in about five years, to see how that ultimatum-style of parenting is working out for you both.”  Imagine how things could have been different for both of them, if she had invited a discussion, a conversation, with her son, instead of laying down the law.  

It’s the same with our horses.  Discussions, conversations, asking nicely instead of demanding or nagging—this will get us further toward our goal of excellent horsemanship.  This is not to say that we don’t have to demand respect from our horses, or that we should allow them to be bulls with us, but think about what most makes you want to cooperate with a co-worker or your partner.  Demands, threats, bullying, may get you short-term results, but will certainly get you long-term resentment and unwillingness.  

Enjoy your conversations with everyone around you, two-legged and four-legged.